Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in ralph's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
1:47 am	four ok so like, i've finally accepted the fact that i can't have a female friend without being attracted to her right away, and i mean like within the first time talking to a girl if they are cool at all or just laugh at my jokes i suddenly think they like me and start liking them, which is becoming a problem cuz one part of me thinks oh yeah dude every girl does like you cuz i'm just so fucking cool, but then my negative side is like why would they like you cuz i'm not really that great i mean i like to make myself think i am, and i am in some ways like cool personality (mostly, i have some issues with jealousy and obsession, i just noticed this is becoming narcississtic talking about myself so much oh well its a journal who else would it be about) and i am pretty smart and like to think i have a good future ahead of me even though i'm at a temporary speed bump right now, but on the other hand i dont really take care of myself, i dont really feel suicidal anymore i'm just indifferent to death, i'm depressed or something i've been in the down state for so long i dont know if its real sadness or just boredom, and i'm not much to look at. so i dunno, i treat girls nicely according to all my ex's, or most of them i would think, at least 3 out of the 4 heh, who's the one !! anyway, i just want to be loved, thats what it comes down to, i have love to give, i just wish i could get it back from someone where everything was honest and i didnt feel paranoid about things, thats another thing i left out, i am a paranoid person, probably from the potsmoking, but i was like that to begin with its just worse now ;/ so like, if i found a girl that i liked and forget about liked me but if i found one that i could just trust like i had this VIBE of trust, i believe i'm a pretty sensitive-type person who picks up vibes even if its just through the computer but i still believe in it and when i feel good its great but when i start to get bad vibes i stop trusting the person and thats when i start to make up all these crazy motives in my head for things that the person is doing. man i fucking ramble a lot but my writing process is that one where you just keep flowing the shit out whatever direction it goes and make no corrections, thats why they seem to be long and unformatted, which is really lazy i suppose on my part, but again its a journal that at most 2 (omg) people read now and i dont give a fuck if you dont like this style cuz its just somethin i'm doin right now, i am usually a pretty structured person so this whole thing is foreign to me which is why its fun cuz i didnt really believe that you could write this way, but i suppose you can, it just ends up mostly unintelligble, i dont bother to reread it so i'll never know. anyway on to better or more important things, this saturday is quickly approaching and i am totally excited now because i'm flying to london for spring break, and then on tuesday we fly to amsterdam for 3 days, fly back to london for friday night, and then fly home saturday, a real insane fast mindblowing trip (hoho) and i've got a bunch of money saved up so i plan to live it up, i will be probably posting something here about it since it'll be on my mind for the next month or so after probably, i plan on taking a notebook since i know shits gonna happen that i'd never remember otherwise, ohhhhh will it, and i just want to document that shit cuz this is the first real big trip of my life, at least, just my friends and i at least, unless you count senior week 1 and 2, or that senior trip to toronto with the whole class, heh, this is fuckin another continent (which i've done before, i was born in japan so technically i've been to part of asia, even if i was only there for the first 3 months of my life) and we got the whole group (6 of us total) to actually all get passports, tickets, hotel reservations, and the money to pay for it all, which i'm sad to say is rare for us cuz we always have ideas that never pan out, but this time we pulled it off, and i've been checking the weather for the week we're there in the 2 cities, and both look fantastic, theres rain that stops the day before we get to london, and then rain that stops the day before we get to amsterdam, how fucking lucky, not that i'd let rain ruin my time, but its just a lot nicer to see things when the weathers nice. anyway, i suppose this is pretty much a good stopping point, since i have nothing left in me right now, not that i had much to begin with, but the scroll bar is down a bit, so i'll cut it here....... - ralph (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 29th, 2004
7:07 pm	three looks like i already fell behind in keeping this updated, but i'll try and get back on track, not sure why i haven't been updating, i suppose nothing all too interesting has happened lately. i had a pretty good weekend though, i decided to go home so i could get some studying in for this test i have coming up thursday, well, as usual, i get home and become just as lazy as i am here, i always think that at home theres nothing to do so i'll be forced to work, but really it just leads to me finding other ways to waste time. but it wasn't all bad, as i said i had a good weekend, i came home and got my haircut and enjoyed talking to my hairdresser, she always puts me in a good mood telling me stories and i can tell her a few things that i know she wont tell anyone else, i realize the reason that i hate it here at school so much is i'm pretty much completely isolated from any sort of real human contact, i kept thinking that it wasnt so bad, i still talk to my friends from home online, and i can talk to my co-workers, but i lack anyone that i can really just chill with or have a good time getting high with, haha, i mean, you can only smoke so many times alone before you get kinda bored with it, i mean i still enjoy smoking but its just not the same as when i'm with my friends back home. anyway, i also talked with my parents a bit over the weekend which is always nice, as always they are super-giving to me and i just feel awful and full of guilt over getting such treatment when i really don't deserve it anymore, i always took it for granted in high school but that was when i earned it by getting good grades, i dont deserve shit now with the way my grades are, and most of the time i want to kill myself, which is the total opposite of what they want for me. but anyway, they gave me some money for dinner and i went to the grocery store and got these morning star fake hot wings, which i've been wanting to get ever since one of my ex's told me about them, but they were very good it just sucks that i cant get them here cuz i really enjoyed them. anyway that night i took a dose of shrooms and had a pretty good time, it wasnt a very intense trip though, i've had these shrooms for a few months now and i guess they may have lost effectiveness over time, or maybe just cuz i ate too much that day, but anyway, since it wasn't too intense i smoked earlier on during the trip since that always kicks it up a notch, that made it a pretty exciting although the trip was mostly mental and not so visual, although as usual the old 'stare at the mirror till your face freaks you out' still worked and damn thats always fun, i just wish i woulda spent more time doing it since that was about as visual as things got. anyway i ended up playing some poker that night and entered a tournament at like 2:30 but there were only like 90 people in it, usually theres about double that, but i didn't mind it just meant that there were less people that got a payoff, and the payoff was greater for those who made it, but the cool thing is, i ended up winning the thing after just 3 hours! haha 32 cents i won, for 3 hours work, but its the fun of the game not the prize, and it was my first win in a tournament so i was totally satisfied. anyway then went to bed, woke up the next day, tried to get some studying in, realized that the test wasnt till thursday and told myself it wouldnt be too bad to put it off :/ god why do i always do that to myself, i'm really bad with procrastination i wish there was some way to fix it but i havent figured anything out. so i ended up playing some more cards and blowing a bunch of money i'd finally saved up, and i played with the ferrets a bit which is always nice and they were really happy to see me so i guess they do still miss me, it seemed like the last time i was home they didn't really care, but all the animals (3 ferrets + 1 cat) were all hanging around me this weekend and it made me feel good. everything it seems about home makes me feel good, my parents, my friends (when they're home), the familiar sights and places, i just feel so much more comfortable there, something i don't have here, the only place i feel comfortable is here in this damn room which is why i never leave. anyway, this made me really want to drop/transfer out of school to somewhere closer to home so i could live there, but i don't know if thats really a good idea, this school is so much better than anything i could go to back home, but when you think about it i'm not really happy here, and i'm not really learning anything (perhaps because of the depression/other problems), so maybe it would be best, i was hoping something during my trip would tell me what i needed to do since during trips i usually have this awesome perception and awareness of whats truly important and what isnt, but i didn't really get that this time, other than that i love my parents which i already figured out a while ago. anyway, man i've been goin on a while, its funny no one reads this either, except maybe my ex who dumped me, but if anyone else does read it, just leave a comment once, you dont gotta bother with giving me help or advice i just wanna know if anyone does read this, maybe i'll start going around to other livejournal sites and leaving comments and see if they come back and read mine, although do i even want people reading this?? haha i really dont know part of me thinks yeah i'm wasting my time writing this if no one reads it, but its personal so i don't know that i want to share, but anyway i digress, so yeah i drove back to school today and enjoyed the drive, i drive so fast now i think i'm just waiting to either get caught or wreck, whichever comes first, hopefully the wreck since my liscense is technically expired now and i really dont want to deal with a cop arresting me and searching my car and finding my bong and whatever else i have on me. but yeah, here i am, back in the room again, alone, bored, alone - ralph Current Mood: bored (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
1:26 pm	two feeling somewhat positive today when i wake up, maybe i shouldnt call it positive but instead 'not negative' which isnt really positive at all, needless to say though, i don't feel like crap today. i'm not sure whats causing it i guess it could just be the weekend vibe, i can't say i enjoy anything as much as i enjoy sitting around 2 and a half days straight doing nothing and having nothing to do. could also be that i did really well on my statistics exam on thursday, i have been really down about school for some time now because my grades have gone to shit since my motivation level has also gone to shit, but when i went in for this test i hadn't really prepared all that much, since i've kinda already taken the class before and dropped it, but i went in there with what i knew and i ended up zooming through it in half the time and was the first done and i really don't think i got any questions wrong, but we'll have to wait and see how i actually score on it :x i would hate to get it bak and have like a C on it, that'd really take me back down and i just don't need that right now. my good mood could also be linked to my mom, she called me up on the phone yesterday and we talked for a good half hour, which for me is kinda a long time cuz i usually dont talk to my parents for more than a few minutes, but i told her (almost) all about school, i always try to hilight the good things and only subtly mention the bad things, but mention them to at least implant the idea that i probably fucked something up (which i did but i don't want to talk about that) but anyway yeah we had a good talk and i told her i was probably going to go home next weekend cuz i like seeing them too much, even if its boring as fuck back home and its a waste of gas money, i also figure i can use the time to study for this test i got coming up during that week which i need to do really well on because of that fuckup that i dont want to talk about, hahahaha, i laugh because its not funny but because i'm losing it. anyhow, i wanted to trip this weekend because i am trying to get myself back in one piece and i really feel mushrooms have some sort of power, perhaps not to simply heal all by themselves, but to help walk you through the healing process since they make you see whats important and whats just bullshit, and i dont know, everything seems all the more clear when i'm on them, but anyway, i decided that instead of doing them this weekend in my dorm room where i tend to feel like i'm in jail when tripping (i prefer to be able to go walk around outside and my campus just doesnt work for that, not nature-y at all) so i figure since i'm going home next weekend i can do them then instead, and i can go walk around at home where i feel much more comfortable anyway. speaking of which, its pretty sad how bad things have gotten here, i really dont feel any sense of 'home' here at school even though i'm more than halfway through my second year, it just feels like this place that i am stuck at for a while, i dunno, i'm not a very outgoing person and i dont know anyone here so i guess that limits me from the get-go but lets face it i dont have a shroom bag large enough to fix that problem yet, ahahahah, again laughing cuz i'm crazay not cuz its funny. anyways i think i've rambled on for enough today, i wonder if anyone reads this, i don't really actively read any other livejournal sites so i really haven't got a clue how people go about finding others journals to read, but if anyone is reading it, i will not forget about this journal or get bored with it! i am going to do my best to scribble something down on a daily or every other day(ly?) basis since i always feel good after writing one of these, and with that said, i'm done - ralph Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
3:05 am	one well, i really miss my ex right now, my last ex is the one girl i knew without a doubt i loved and loved me back and that nothing would ever go wront with but things just couldnt work out, we lived too far away from each other, and when she came closer to go to school, i was too much of a pussy to go visit her (a recurring thing for me), but i was younger then, and hadn't done a lot on my own at that point, so i was scared, not that that justifies being so afraid, i mean, i loved her i shouldnt let something dumb like fear get in the way of that, but it did and she ended up leaving me. she's had/has two boyfriends since then, both of which she lived/lives with, she needs the physical intimacy and i wasnt able to provide it (because of the distance) so thats what happens, but anyway, the first one she engaged, but it didnt work out, which i feel was pretty obvious since they went far too quickly, but anyway, she has someone else now, and she's.. about half way through a 9 month pregnancy right about now, shocks me to think of, the girl i loved, and will always love even though i know i won't ever be with her, is having someone elses baby, but thats the least of my problems.. over the past something like 2 weeks now she's cut off contact with me, the reasons why are a long story that i wont bother to get into right now, but for now we'll just say its possibly because another (former) friend of mine is telling her bad things about me (i assume, ever since our friendship ended he's been out to get me, but again long story, some other time) and this whole thing between us online which probably would seem petty to anyone else but seems to be ruining my (pathetic) life and it just.. well, keeps me up at night, so i decided hey ya know i'm gonna write this down cuz getting it out there is better than bottling it up inside i guess, i figure here i can disclose the stuff to people that arent connected and not have to worry about anyone reading it that shouldnt be. but anyway, its just good to have something/one to tell since i cant really talk to any of my friends about this, but thats a long story too, i have a lot of weird things about me which i'll undoubtedly get into in later posts or whatever these are called journal entries, hahah, good journal, one everyone can read, but yeah, its gonna be a ride from here - ralph Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)